The path to myself has had, and continues to have many, many detours. But I am working on being the one I choose, every time.

we had

we had a date

and i took a long, hot shower

and i mingled w/ soap & shampoo

and i let the hot water melt my anxiety

and i dried myself w/ a fresh warm towel

and i bathed in cocoa butter & shea

i waited

we had a date

and i called you first

and we made it together

and i was looking forward to your eyes

i waited

we had a date

and i tried on every tight sexy thing

and i thought of your eyes

and i tested my stay-put lipstick on a pillow

and i read poems by june & audre

and i sat to meditate

and

i waited

we had a date

at seven

we had a date

an hour ago

and i read more poems

they were not about you

i waited

we had a date

and i thought we made it together

and we laughed & told story

and i thought you were kidding

when you called me intimidating

i waited

morning came

and you called

and i was glad i had meditated

you said you weren’t ready for me

you called me intimidating

again

your voice quivered under magnetic signals

i could see your eyes watering

i could see them shifting

and darting away from the receiver

i listened

and i waited to understand what you meant

and i stared at my hand

calmly resting on my knee

i got up to look in the mirror

and studied the shape of my teeth

no fangs

i examined the length of my nails

not sharp, not too long

we hung up

and i read poems by lucille & walt & joy

we had a date

and you offered your number w/o me asking

and you were glad i called

and you asked me where i’d like to go

and we talked on the phone for hours

and only exhaustion could get us to hang up

we had a date

and now we have space

space between your fear of my inspiration

& my desire to inspire you

space between your story & mine

this morning i smell my own delicious skin

i feel its smooth, buttery-ness

i hear poetry & love & resistance

swirling through my mind

i want to make love to myself

and i do

and i do

-qv